i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
