Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
