You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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