fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
