So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Found the puke drawer
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You are the jesus of drinking
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
