Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
