It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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