I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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