Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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