i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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