Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
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