college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
