Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize