I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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