3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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