I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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