i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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