new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Randomize
