Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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