I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
