What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
