When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
