When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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