so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
barbara walters just said penis...
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
