My liver just broke up with me...
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
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