He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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