Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
