im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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