Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
