Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
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