Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
