I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
