How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
