Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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