Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
