I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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