is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
