I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
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