I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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