I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
