Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
