Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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