I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
