Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
you never un-have a 4some
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
