it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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