last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
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