I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
