I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
