just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
