Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
