Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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