hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
