Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
