Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
