I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
