I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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