I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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