Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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