i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
