genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
